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Just Not Attracted Any Longer?

Relationships are one of the richest and most rewarding experiences of the human journey, but they can also be one of the most difficult.

There are so many intricacies involved and so many personality variations that we are really not aware of as we move through the experience, that if it all goes wrong, our immediate reaction is usually to blame the other party or parties. It cannot possibly be ourselves who are at fault because we are switched-on, reasonable people – at least, that’s what people think. Of course, it is never as simple as that.

While there is no doubt that many relationships flounder through issues such as infidelity, addictions and violence, there are also a significant number of people who suddenly realise that they are simply not attracted to their partner.

With expert counselling people in this position can examine their attitudes to relationships and find solutions.

This situation affects all types of relationships, whether married couples, gay or straight, living together, in fact any type of relationship where two people have made a commitment to sharing a life together. When the relationship stalls because one partner is not attracted to the other, the result is often “it’s all your fault!” Holding onto this mind set is absolutely pointless and will do nothing except drive the couple further apart. In any life situation, there is really only one solution – work on yourself to find what makes you happy.

Studies of couples over a period of time show that attraction and happiness are not necessarily related to wealth or a high-living lifestyle.

In fact, the happiest people in the study were those who had a mid-range or lower lifestyle, with solid support networks of close friends or family, an active social life and involved in community. What this means for the person who has just realised they are not attracted any more to their partner, is that a process of self-examination will be much more productive than the blame game.

By undertaking regular counselling sessions with a psychologist people can be helped to understand what happiness means to them, and examine their current state as opposed to what they think should make them happy. This self-examination often brings about significant change within the person that makes the relationship with their partner more meaningful. It can also result in the opposite effect, with the relationship ending with both parties able to move on with understanding and acceptance.

Self-examination is the most powerful vehicle for change available to the human race. If more people looked first at themselves before judging or blaming others, many common situations would be diffused, if not avoided altogether.


Delany Skerrett | CFHP
Delaney Skerrett

Delaney is a senior registered psychologist working with people of all backgrounds and with a special interest in LGBTI+ people, people from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds, and Indigenous people.

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