Our relationships with family, friends, or romantic partners can be a great source of support in everyday life.
However, when a relationship starts to have negative effects on a person’s sense of self and mental health, it can be unhealthy to continue maintaining and sustaining the relationship. Strong bonds can develop even in an unhealthy relationship, resulting in feelings of being trapped or with no choice but to stay with a partner or in contact with a friend, relative, or person.
Trauma bonding, or traumatic bonding, is the psychological term where a person in an abusive relationship develops an emotional attachment to the abuser, resulting in a cycle of abuse and difficulty for the victim to leave.
How Does Trauma Bonding Work?
A trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional attachment in a relationship – one that is marked by abuse and manipulation. Victims of trauma bonding find it extremely difficult to leave the relationship despite experiencing repeated abuse or poor treatment.
A person in a trauma-bonded relationship will experience repeated patterns of care and abuse from the other person, resulting in a sense of confusion and emotional conflict. If the person remains in the relationship, trauma bonding can lead to negative self-image and potentially adverse mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or disordered eating.
There is an important distinction between a toxic relationship and one involving a traumatic bond – in a toxic relationship, a victim may not necessarily experience the same compulsion to stay in the relationship with the abuser. A trauma bond makes it inherently difficult for someone to leave a relationship.
A trauma bond is also not the same as a shared attachment between people who have been through the same traumatic experience.
What Causes Trauma Bonding?
There are two primary indicators for a trauma bond: a power imbalance and a recurring cycle of manipulative behaviour that keeps the victim from leaving the relationship.
Power Imbalance
An abuser will exert control over the victim in a trauma bonded relationship. This control may be financial, physical, or psychological. A power imbalance is typically a cause for a self-depreciating attitude in a victim. This belief reiterates that they are incapable of leaving their partner because they are not capable of managing without their partner.
When someone has a negative view of themselves,it can reinforce a belief that their abuser knows better, has power, and authority over them. This eventually leads to the formation of dependency, and a strong emotional attachment from the victim to the abuser.
Cycle of Abuse
In trauma bonding, abusers display behaviour that alternates between abuse and care or affection. Abusive behaviour can be physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological in nature.
An abuser will also display contrasting behaviour that appears seemingly caring, loving, and kind, or make promises to avoid conflict or abusive behaviours in the future. This positive behaviour is seen after abuse and is often used when the victim is on the verge of leaving the relationship.
This switch between positive and abusive behaviour leads to a reinforcement of an emotional attachment between the victim and the abuser. When victims in a trauma bond relationship suffer from abuse, they are drawn back into the relationship through positive interactions or the promise of better treatment.
A test of the Traumatic Bonding Theory by Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993) likened the attachment process to be similar to an elastic band – victims are pushed away and pulled toward the relationship when experiencing abuse and positive treatment, respectively.
What Are the Signs of Trauma Bonding?
To someone outside of the relationship, identifying a trauma bond can be difficult, as the abuser may conceal their usual behaviour. Observable signs that someone may be subject to trauma bonding include:
- Repeated return to the abuser after leaving – e.g. multiple instances of breaking up, only to get back together
- Increased isolation from family and friends, becoming fixated on the relationship instead
- Attempts to defend the abuser when others express concern about their behaviour
- A change in personality, often for the worse – low self-esteem and anxiety
- Being overly fearful of the abuser’s moods
- Using language that indicates self-blame – “I need to be better” or “It’s my fault for making them upset”
- Confusion about the quality of the relationship – victims may find it hard to say that the relationship is good or bad because of the conflicting experiences of both abuse and care
If you find yourself in a confusing relationship, it can be hard to discern whether you’re ‘trauma bonded’. For many victims, denial and compartmentalisation can make it challenging to identify the warning signs and see the relationship from a realistic point of view.
How to Break Free From a Trauma Bond Relationship
Detaching from a trauma bond and an abusive relationship is not as simple as just deciding to up and leave. If the abuser has gained control over the victim’s finances, other relationships, and personal safety, leaving the relationship can be complicated or dangerous.
Counselling services from a qualified psychologist can help you find a way out of the relationship. You should also tell someone you trust about your situation – if you think your personal safety may be in danger, call an emergency service or domestic violence helpline.
1. Seek professional counselling for trauma
Working with a psychologist or counsellor can help you identify the patterns of thinking that have kept you in the relationship and provide evidence-based strategies for breaking the trauma bond.
Therapy approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be effective at challenging the distorted thinking patterns that trauma bonding creates.
2. Connect with people you trust
Trauma bonding often leads to increasing isolation, as abusers will frequently work to distance their victims from friends and family. Rebuilding strong relationships with people you trust will create the support network needed for you to leave an abusive relationship.
People outside of the relationship can help to counter the abuser’s narrative and remind you of your value and self-worth.
3. Commit to no contact when leaving
Once you have made the decision to leave, limiting or completely cutting off contact with the abuser is critical. Any continued interaction, no matter how small, can draw you back into the cycle of manipulation and abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it takes an average of 7 attempts before an individual can completely break away from an abusive relationship. With the right support from professional psychologists and people you trust, you can completely break away from an abusive relationship and the trauma bond.
