Connection and communication are two of the most important elements in any relationship. Feeling a shared bond with your partner and having the ability to openly and honestly communicate in a two-way manner enable you to feel safe, empowered, cared for, respected and appreciated. However, when one party is or becomes emotionally unavailable, it can cause tension and eventual fractures within the bond that holds you together.
Being emotionally unavailable is when a person struggles or refuses to share feelings or form deep bonds with their partner, or handle vulnerability. Someone who is emotionally unavailable will often keep an emotional distance, seeing it as a means to protect themselves from harm, which in turn makes it hard to build a tight or enduring relationship.
1. You’re afraid to have difficult conversations
Someone who is emotionally unavailable will typically be afraid to have difficult or serious conversations, often regarding their relationship or behaviour. They may deflect the discussion to another topic or make jokes in an attempt to avoid engaging at a deeper level. This can make you feel obliged to cater to their mood, a common sign of a codependent relationship.
2. You feel it is easier to keep things to yourself
Internalising important thoughts or feelings instead of exploring them with your partner leads to detachment and tension. You may prefer to avoid having hard conversations or expressing yourself in an attempt to not be vulnerable to your partner. By doing this, you are essentially saying you don’t feel comfortable being you or having a deeper connection with your partner.
3. They don’t provide support when you face difficult times
A sign that your partner may be emotionally unavailable is that they don’t provide support during challenging periods. It may be when you are going through emotional or physical turmoil that renders you needing a shoulder to cry on or encouragement. Instead of offering support they may ignore the situation or deflect humour instead of providing help and showing they understand your predicament. They will have a lack of empathy to your situation and needs, leaving you feeling isolated or unable to rely on them for help.
4. They don’t ask questions about you
When your partner doesn’t show interest in learning about you or how you are feeling, or even as simple as how your day was, it can be a sign they are emotionally detached. They have no desire to explore what makes you tick, instead preferring to keep dialogue at a more superficial level. They do this so they don’t become more invested in the relationship and form a deeper bond.
5. They have no interest in your world, your passions, your hobbies
Generally, someone who is emotionally unavailable won’t engage with you in conversations about your interests, your past or hopes for the future. They show no concern about what you enjoy, how you think or feel. The discussions will be shallow or insincere and often about them or subjects that avoid deeper dialogue around personal beliefs.
6. You feel like they don’t know the real you – even after years together
Often, you may have been in a relationship for many years, yet you feel as though your partner only knows you at a superficial level. The relationship seems more about the immediate connection or purely physical, as opposed to there being a deeper connection where you feel like they understand who you are, how you think and feel.
7. They seem to become more distant and less available over time
Throughout the course of the relationship, things may become progressively more detached. The emotional or even physical connection starts to feel weaker, and you get a sense that you are receiving less from your partner than you once did. They might slowly become aloof or less open about feelings, and you talk less frequently than in the past.
8. They say “That’s just how I am” whenever you bring up these issues
One of the key signs that your partner is emotionally unavailable is that they avoid talking about relationship issues, particularly those that relate to their behaviour towards you. They might try to deflect the concerns and say that it’s a misunderstanding or even that ‘This is who they are’ or ‘I have always been like this’. Instead of trying to resolve the issues and compromise, they would prefer to say that this is how I am and they’re not going to change.
What do you do if your partner is emotionally unavailable?
If you are in a situation where you feel that your partner is emotionally unavailable, firstly, do not blame yourself or try to fix them. Their emotional distance is a reflection of their own personal struggles and fears, typically caused by past pain and not having adequate coping mechanisms. Them being emotionally unavailable is not a measure of your worth.
To try to resolve the situation, communicate your needs clearly using “I” statements and to avoid causing yourself emotional harm, set firm personal boundaries and expectations from the relationship.
You can attempt to work through the situation with relationship counselling, but things won’t improve unless your partner recognises what they are doing and wants to change themselves – you can’t force them to behave differently. In the end, if things don’t improve, you have to decide if you want to remain in the relationship or not.
