A codependent relationship is a harmful dynamic where one person overly sacrifices their own needs, identity and wellbeing to please or support the other person.
In essence, one gives a lot, while the other relies largely on them and takes. It often occurs as a result of one person in the relationship having a ‘people-pleasing’ personality that comes from trying to keep the other happy in order to avoid conflict, or if they have had a childhood where they faced emotional neglect and now believe their own needs don’t matter.
1. Your mood is set by their mood
In a codependent relationship your emotional boundaries will become blurred, and your partner’s mood will become yours. When they’re sad or angry, you too will feel this way. Your mood will shift because of their behaviour as you think that if you don’t feel or act in the way they do, that perhaps there’s something wrong with you or that your partner will see that you’re happy when they are sad and this will cause conflict between you.
2. You feel responsible for their happiness
Frequently, you will feel as though you are the one that is accountable for ensuring they feel joy or are happy. It becomes your ‘job’ or a daily task to make them content and in good spirits. This can be emotionally draining as you neglect yourself and spend your time worrying about your partner’s happiness.
3. You feel guilty when you say no
There will be times when you are unable to do things for them or disagree with their choices or beliefs. However, despite opposing them being the right thing to do, it results in you feeling a sense of guilt that your actions in not doing something or not being agreeable conflicts with their wants, even if they are misplaced. You start to avoid saying ‘no’ because it makes you feel bad.
4. Your self-worth is tied to being needed by your partner
In a codependent relationship you start to define yourself by your role as a ‘carer’ in the relationship. What brings you joy is closely connected to being needed or required by your partner. You feel safe in the relationship and good about yourself, only when your partner requires your help or care. In many ways, you fear that if you are no longer useful to your partner, they will abandon you.
5. You can list their needs in detail but struggle to name your own
You become so focused on your partner’s needs that you start to forget your own. It may be easy to define what they need to be happy, but when asked what it is that makes you happy or what you need to be content, you are unable to clearly articulate it. You might even say “If they are happy, I am”
6. You keep the peace by agreeing, apologising or absorbing the blame
People pleasing behaviours such as being amenable when you don’t necessarily agree, apologising when you’re not in the wrong, or taking the blame for things you didn’t do or aren’t responsible for. You might take the blame for something rather than run the risk of having an argument.
7. You cover for them, excuse them, or clean up after them
In a codependent relationship you will make excuses for your partner for their behaviour, such as being late or acting poorly in a social situation. You will find yourself doing all the housework and tidying up after them, rather than asking for help or telling them to contribute more equally.
8. Your hobbies, friendships and routines have disappeared
Where once you both had your own hobbies, friends or routines, now you find that all you do are the things that your partner enjoys. Your social circle shrinks and you no longer see your old friends, or you don’t partake in the pastimes you once enjoyed, instead you find yourself only ever doing their activities.
9. Your fear of being alone outweighs how unhappy you are
Despite being unhappy in the relationship, you have a fear that should you leave your partner you will be alone and even more discontent. You start to think that the situation you are in is the only or best alternative available to you.
10. You can't make a decision without their input or approval
You have decision paralysis, whereby you don’t feel confident or comfortable making a choice without your partners consent, input or approval. Your self-belief becomes clouded by the fear of making the wrong decision or choosing an action that will make them unhappy or cause conflict.
11. Doing something purely for yourself feels selfish
In a codependent relationship you will start to see actions that you do purely for yourself as being wrong. You prioritise your partner’s needs to the detriment of your own because you feel guilty for doing something for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Codependent relationships are unhealthy and can lead to anxiety, depression, a breakdown in the bond between couples or friends, and enabling behaviours that are destructive to the health and wellbeing of both people in the relationship. Noticing the signs of a codependent relationship early in the piece and then putting in place measures to rectify the situation will ensure a healthier and longer lasting connection that is mutually beneficial. Ultimately, you want to be in an interdependent relationship where both people support each other while keeping their own separate hobbies, friends, and personal goals.
