Coming out to family is a significant milestone for LGBTQ individuals. While there are many happy stories of families responding with acceptance or support to a coming-out announcement, there are also plenty of unfortunate situations where loved ones can respond with confusion, rejection, and conflict.
Experiencing rejection from your family after coming out can cause deep feelings of hurt and confusion. After all, you’ve chosen to be vulnerable and open about your identity, only to be rejected by those who are closest to you.
Coping with family rejection will not be easy, but it is not impossible. With the right support from trusted friends or other relatives and a professional counsellor, you can build confidence in your identity and help your family gain a deeper understanding of who you are as a person.
You Have a Right to Feel Hurt
Coming out is a huge step in claiming your identity and shaping your personal growth journey – regardless of what you’re identifying as. When people don’t respond the way you expect, it’s important to recognise that you are entitled to feel hurt and to take time to process your own feelings.
If you are a child or teenager and do not feel safe with your family after discussing your sexuality and coming out, please call the QLife hotline at 1800 184 527 to seek immediate support.
How to Overcome Rejection From Family After Coming Out
Don’t tie the rejection to your self-worth
Rejection from your family can make you feel unloved, unaccepted, and unacknowledged. Your family may also have made hurtful comments that make you feel like you have done something wrong or that there is something wrong with you.
It’s normal to feel sad and hurt about your family’s adverse reaction to your coming out, but their rejection does not mean that you have any less value as an individual. The rejection you feel is a result of the conflict between your identity as an LGBTQ person and your family’s beliefs, traditions, and expectations of who you are.
Give your family time to process the news
While it’s not the reaction you imagined, there could be some possible explanations for why your family have not reacted positively to the situation:
- Your decision to come out to the family was unexpected.
Depending on how much they know about your identity, your family may simply not have realised who you are as an individual, leading to initial shock and rejection.
- Your family’s religious or personal beliefs conflict with your identity.
Your family’s set of beliefs and traditions can cause them to view your coming out as “wrong” or “unusual”.
- Your family feels like they have lost you as a child or sibling.
Gender and sexual identity are core parts of our identity. Expressing a different personal identity than what your family can relate to creates a significant shift in how they see you as a child or sibling.
- Your family is concerned for your wellbeing.
It’s no secret that LGBTQ individuals face discrimination in society. Your family’s concern for your wellbeing or future can come off as disapproval or unacceptance.
Whether right or wrong, whatever the reasons are, your family may need time to let the reality of your identity sink in. Every family is different, and it can take weeks to months for your family members to process and come to terms with the news.
Try having an open discussion
If your family is willing, having an open discussion or going to family therapy can help clear out misunderstandings and lead to a more accepting, understanding relationship.
Share what your identity is and what it means to you – in some cases, family members may be able to understand and throw more support behind you after understanding what this means to you, and who you are. An open discussion can also be a good opportunity to address any concerns your family has about your coming out, your identity, and what it means for you.
If you find it difficult to talk about your identity or have family members who are unwilling to discuss it, consider working with a professional psychologist experienced in LGBTQ issues and family relationships to facilitate a productive discussion.
Draw boundaries for yourself
Not all families are open to discussion – in cases where the rejection is intense, drawing boundaries between yourself and your family can help prevent further pain. You may choose not to discuss your identity further with your family to avoid bringing up further conflict or pain.
As much as you may want to maintain the relationship with your family, doing so should not come at the cost of significant trauma to your mental health. Individuals who are facing abuse or domestic violence from their families should take steps to separate themselves, whether it’s moving out alone or living with a friend.
Share your feelings with supportive friends and family members
Talking about your feelings regarding your family’s rejection after coming out is an important step in healing from the hurt. However, your family may not be in the right emotional state to offer you the support you need.
Turn to friends or other family members who support your coming out and take the time to share how you feel. This can help process your own emotions and thoughts about your family’s reaction.
If you are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues as a result of family rejection over your coming out, professional counselling can help identify the triggers that are causing you to feel overwhelmed and support you with a coping strategy.
At the Centre for Human Potential (CFHP), we have clinical and registered psychologists who provide LGBTIQA and sexuality counselling in Brisbane. We have experience helping individuals cope with family rejection after coming out and find a healthy way to move forward, whether it’s through reconciliation or setting new boundaries. Book a counselling session with us to get genuine support tailored to your situation – our psychologists are available for both in-person and online counselling appointments in Brisbane.
